Monday, April 17, 2017

Um... So, It's been over a year, huh?


Hello, old friend! I'm not sure if anyone is even out there anymore. It's been a journey since our last meeting. A little over a year ago I posted about my struggle with postpartum depression. Since then I have returned to work this past September and I can truly say that, emotionally, I have been doing well!

However... there's been a new struggle. I've gained a lot of weight. There. I said it.

If you know me in "real life" this is no surprise, but the truth is I just haven't had the energy to do anything about it. You see, one year ago I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I lost it all pretty quickly after having Emmie. I nursed her until she was 16ish months and when I stopped nursing I gained 20 pounds within 3 weeks. Yup. This happened with Landon too so I was expecting it, but that doesn't make it suck any less. My body really wants to nurse babies and doesn't like when I stop!

I am a solid 30 pounds over where I want to be and a huge part of that is that I just don't cook anymore. I am alone with the kids Monday-Friday from the time I get home from work until they're in bed so taking care of me has fallen completely to the back burner. Dinner was a necessary evil. We ate a lot of takeout, a lot of frozen pizza, and a lot of "no cook" meals (quesadillas, processed food, etc.)

I'm pulled in many directions right now. I work full time as a teacher, I am a mom to two little kids (5 and 1), and I also do a lot of work in education on a state and national level. This month alone I am presenting three times and flying to Denver for a national conference. To say "me time" is limited is an understatement.

I'll be honest, I'm not mentally "there" to diet right now. I tried a few months ago, was super diligent for a month, and only lost 2 pounds in that month. I accepted it, thinking it was because I had only recently stopped nursing so maybe my body was still adjusting, etc. I can't explain that month but it was definitely challenging on me mentally. I was TRYING to put myself first, which is darn near impossible as most mamas know, and it wasn't working. I was frustrated and gave up.

Lately it's been getting bad. I have wanted to avoid plans because I don't want people to see me. I'm embarrassed when I see pictures of myself or catch my reflection in a car or store window. So I think it's time to try to get back on track.

The track I'm getting on is cooking. I'm not even focusing on the weight for now. Instead I'm just working on cooking and eating real food again. I don't make any promises that I'll stick to this, but I'm going to try. In the ten minutes it's taken me to type this I've had to get up 7 times to help my kids ("More berries! More milk!") so I know it'll be a challenge (wait... make it 8 times... we needed MORE berries... again!), but I need to try. I make no promises of how often I'll be here, but the blog still be about food... with a bit of me chatting about the struggle that is trying to take care of yourself, your family, and everything else in the world.

3 comments:

  1. Happy to see you pop up in my Feedly! I've followed you for years! I also have 2 kids and have been struggling with weight and my body image. I used to go to the gym before work, but with our current schedule that is not possible. Anyway, I think it's great you are going to try & cook more. Hang in there momma - it is really hard to be a working mom and try and do everything. I try to remember this is a small window and they will be grown up before I know it!

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  2. I'm still here and so glad to hear from you! I am a big advocate for fat acceptance and if you ever want any support, please let me know! Your weight doesn't determine your worth, and it doesn't even necessarily determine your health. It can be very very difficult to unlearn all of the conditioning we as women have gone through that teaches us fat bodies are bad, gross, unattractive, but that is all designed to sell us things and keep us unhappy. You have worth at any weight. You can be beautiful (if that is important to you) at any weight. You can be successful and a good mom and a great blogger and all those things with 30 more lbs than you used to have. I'm so glad you're back and I think you're great!

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